It is 2:00 am. I have to get up at 8:00 am to go to work. I've been tossing and turning all night. My mind is going 100 mph. I just CAN'T sleep. Solution: BLOG! I need to write what has been going on in my life this year because it needs to be out! Only people super close to me know what has been going on and this is only since June that I have had support from my family. Until then it was pure STRESS from March up until June. ANYWAY, what the heck has been going on with me? Better grab a comfy chair and a blanket because boys and girls you are in for one long wild ride.
Note: This story probably leaves out a lot of details because simply, there is just so much in my head that it's all jumbled up and in different orders, so what comes out comes out. I can fill people in later on anything they want to know!This story revolves around a guy named Jarrod William Hoffman. I, Amanda Rose Otis, am truly, madly, deeply, in love with said JWH (as he is with me : ) ). Although, our relationship which started early November 2009, has been anything but normal. Let me begin with the basics. We met, ironically, through another guy I dated who let me add was a horrible choice. Jarrod however is nothing like him thank goodness. We hung out a little in the summer, but kind of lost touch for a while. I had a busy end of the summer and when school started back up I was loaded with a crazy schedule of homework and handling a new job. Eventually I missed him enough to contact him and we started hanging out again in October and by November we were a hit! Everything was absolutely amazing up until about February. The whole time we had been together he was living with some people who were a very bad influence on him and he had gotten into marijuana (there is another explanation and cause of his use that we will get to later). This obviously did not sit with me well AT ALL. I mean, why in the world would it. I am NOT that kind of girl. But I had fallen in love and I couldn't let myself give up on him.
Side note: Anyone who thinks you can't possibly fall in love in that short of amount of time has probably never been in love. Trust me, I didn't think it was possible either, but it happened. So get back to me when you fall in love and let me know how you feel about love now.
Alright back on track. In order to tell the rest of the story, I want to tell you a huge detail that comes into play almost at the end (although not really the end, just present time). Jarrod has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder with psychotic features. It runs in his family-his mom is diagnosed and has been well for 19 years now thanks to medication, therapy, and support from loved ones. Continuing with where I left off, please keep in mind it was not known for a while that Jarrod was on his way and already showing signs of this horrible "disease" "disorder" whatever you want to call it. It was really hard for me to deal with someone I had fallen in love with doing drugs on a regular basis and from February until March I had turned to alcohol to sooth my pain and stress. Some people very dear to my heart saw this first hand and seen me in a state I didn't want them to see me. There was no reaching me at the time as most of them found out. I didn't know how to talk to anyone so I figured staying out of contact was the best solution so that they wouldn't have to deal with what I was going through. I mean, how do I explain to my best friend that I am with someone who does marijuana and have her support me? EXACTLY. In my eyes at the time. There just was no way in explaining and I didn't want to have to deal with even more stress.
In early March, things got even worse. I had to take Jarrod to the ER after he had done meth and after that it was all downhill until end of May. With bipolar disorder, drugs usually cause the symptoms to show up A LOT faster and A LOT worse, which is very likely what the marijuana and meth had done. It is really hard to explain everything that went on from after that hospital visit up until another hospital visit end of May because it was INSANE to say the absolute least. Bipolar disorder with psychotic features means that he was having hallucinations, delusions, was paranoid. I knew he needed help, but denial is a part of the disorder and up until that life changing hospital visit end of May he was head strong for, "I'm NOT sick, I DON'T need help."
I had basically lost contact with almost everyone I was close to. Again, how do I explain and have the support from these loved ones when I am with someone who obviously needs help, but is refusing? I decided I would strut it out on my own and HOLY COW this was the HARDEST thing I have EVER done in my LIFE. Words do not describe what I went through. The only thing I knew was that I was sticking by him. I was not giving up on him. I was not going to abandon him when I knew he needed help. So I went along with him on a lot of his thoughts even though a lot of them in my mind didn't make any sense. All I knew was that when I pushed getting help down his throat it only made things worse and us farther apart and the last thing I wanting was him to be on his own with no one supporting him nor knowing what was going on with him. So I stuck with him. We moved to my parents house end of May who immediately saw what was going on and have gave me more support and love to the both of us that I can't express my gratitude enough to them! Shortly after the move in was the life saving hospital visit (that is a WHOLE story in itself). With bipolar there is absolutely no way to manage it without medication. He has been on medication since June 1st and has been going to a therapist now for about a month and a half. We meet with him once a week. It has still been rough even since getting treatment. The disorder consumed him and still is to a point. He is getting better everyday, but still get overly anxious and overwhelmed and in the beginning of treatment he literally couldn't do anything because of it. He would lay in bed ALL day. We have come ALONG way since then though and hopefully by Christmas we are hoping he will almost be back to 100% better and be able to finally get a job again! In the end it paid off. Big time for the both of us!
Yes, it paid off. Many people reading this probably know that I quit my job AND school because of all this and are thinking....yeah sounds like it sure paid off. Guess what. I found something more important than a job or a college degree at the time. I found a life that was in need. A life that is cherished and loved by Jesus himself. I found LOVE. I found HAPPINESS. Even in the craziness and the stress, there were times through it all where we laughed and enjoyed the simple things. He is the sweetest guy in the whole world and I absolutely do not regret anything that happened or that I did. No, not everything was a good thing, but it happened and I simply cannot regret it. He expresses everyday how thankful he is for me not giving up on him. I'm excited to see where life takes us from here. I can guarantee it is going to take us very far and very far hand in hand!
P.S DRUG AND ALCOHOL FREE SINCE THAT MARCH ER VISIT! : ) And...check out my new haircut!!
BEFORE
AFTER : )
Jarrod and I all dressed up ready to head over for Christmas dinner!
